I’ve always been spiritual.
I trust my gift as a healer, a Reiki Master. I feel my energy move, I feel it strong and undeniable. I see what shifts in others, and deep down, I know how connected I can be.
But I’m still learning how to say that out loud without shrinking.
Not because I doubt myself. But because I know some people won’t get it.
And I’m learning to let that be okay.
So I’m practicing showing up fully.
Here’s the truth of how I arrived here.
The Girl I’ve Always Been
Ever since I was young, I always did what I wanted, how I wanted. I was the party girl, wild, curious, hungry for life. (Still am… just sober now and usually wanting to sleep by 9pm 😂)
If something scared me and excited me, I was doing it. I wanted to try everything. I wanted to live it all. And honestly? I’m still all of that.
The only difference is this:
Back then, I cared less about what people thought of me.
Life Cracked Me Open
And then… life happened.
Darkness found me.
I hit places inside myself I didn’t want to look at.
And in that darkness, I found something deeper.
I found spirituality.
I learned to heal.
I learned about energy.
I became a Reiki Master, mostly for myself.
And suddenly, just when I thought I had found peace and unconditional love, a part of me was afraid.
Afraid to show this new version of me.
Afraid of how my family might see me.
And although I was ready to strip parts of myself that no longer served me, part of me didn’t want to lose myself.
I think a lot of people feel this way but don’t talk enough about it. We want to be our true selves, especially when it comes to spirituality and healing… but we fear being misunderstood by the people closest to us.
I’m still human.
I still have a wild heart and a dirty mind.
I’m not perfect.
I have dark moments, and those dark moments are what help me choose the light over and over again.
At one point, I thought spirituality meant becoming someone else, but it’s actually about stripping away all that isn’t you. It is about choosing better for yourself without the fear, the worries, or doubt.
I awakened to become more myself. Real. Raw. Whole.
The Awakening Path
The path I’ve chosen has not been easy. Some days it feels like the path chose me, and accepting that hasn’t been easy either.
Being this open, being empathic, being self-aware… not easy. Healing what I’ve had to go through… not easy. Following my soul instead of my mind… definitely not easy.
It has taken courage and a hunger to live my best life. And sometimes that courage was born from fear. Fear that I wouldn’t live up to my calling. Fear that I wasn’t ready.
But when the calling gets louder than the doubts, you can’t ignore it. You can’t un-know what you’ve learned. Spirit doesn’t let you go back to sleep.
Doing this work as a Reiki Master, a writer, a guide, and saying it out loud and owning it has been a whole journey.
Going against what I was taught to believe, and against expectations, and choosing what I know is true for my soul has not been easy.
Sometimes it’s a lonely road, until eventually you start meeting people who speak your language.
Being myself, both the light and the shadow, and accepting myself fully has not been easy.
But I don’t regret a single step.
I’ve given my all to the truth I carry.
I have surrendered.
I have chosen a rebellious devotion.
I’ve Always Been Spiritual, I Just Didn’t Always Listen
If I’m honest, I think I’ve been spiritual my whole life. I just didn’t know that’s what it was.
Sometimes I listened to my intuition.
Sometimes I ignored it, even knowingly.
The many times I told myself:
“This is going to break my heart, but I’ll do it anyway.”
“This is a bad idea, but I want to do it anyway.”
And every time I ignored it, life showed me why I shouldn’t have.
Again and again and again.
Life doesn’t give up on the lesson until you finally choose yourself.
The War: Mind vs. Soul
Alignment isn’t about perfection, it’s about truth.
Your soul always knows the way. Your mind just tries to protect you from discomfort.
Every time you ignore your soul, you feel it.
In your body.
In your energy.
In your sleep.
In the way your life stops flowing.
Ignoring your truth is the fastest way to suffer. Following it is the fastest way to come home to yourself.
Desire With Depth
I will be real with you.
There was a time I slept with whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted. My body wanted it, so I did it. And at the time, it felt right. No shame there.
But the deeper I connected with myself, the more I realized:
My soul didn’t want the same things my body used to crave.
Now, if I don’t feel safe, seen, or deeply connected, my being refuses to play along.
I still have desire.
I’m human, I’m alive, I’m a passionate woman.
But now I crave depth.
Devotion.
I want intimacy.
I want energy exchange.
I want someone who meets me emotionally and spiritually, not just physically.
Because surface-level doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Not in love.
Not in life.
Not in anything.
That’s spiritual alignment too.
Spirituality Isn’t About Perfection — It’s About Freedom
Spirituality is connecting with the deepest you.
The you beyond fear.
The you beyond conditioning.
The you beyond performance.
It’s:
- trusting your intuition
- choosing what feels expansive
- noticing what drains you
- letting go of what shrinks your soul
It’s not about being holy.
It’s about being honest.
It’s about choosing and living from love.
The more honest you are with yourself,
the more aligned your life becomes.
The Paradox of the Path
As hard as this journey has been…
it has also flowed naturally.
Part of me tries to resist what I know deeply at times.
But the deeper part of me, the fire in my soul, won’t allow it.
Because spirituality isn’t just found in meditation or healing. It’s in the feel of the wind when I’m kiteboarding. It’s in rock climbing, in hiking, and in the awe of waterfalls. It’s felt when I am dancing like my body remembers freedom. It’s in music… listening, singing, letting sound move through me. It’s in every deep breath that brings me back into my body.
My life is a spiritual ceremony.
That’s where I find connection and return to love.
And even when some truths are hard to swallow, I know I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.
This path isn’t easy.
But it’s mine.
And I’m still here.
Living it up.
Walking it.
Owning it.
Becoming.
Imperfect… and choosing unconditional love anyway.
If You’re Still Reading…
I want you to feel this:
You’re not alone.
You’re not behind.
You’re not broken for struggling.
You’re just waking up
to the version of you
that was always there.
Being spiritual means being deeply, honestly, unapologetically YOU. And that takes courage. The kind you already have inside you.
Journal Prompt
Where in your life are you still holding back from being your full, authentic self? What truth is your soul asking you to honor right now?
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Thank for your transparency. Well written