I’ve been single for over a decade now. That period has been invaluable for my personal growth, a gift that forced me to face myself, reflect deeply, and understand what I truly want in life. Learning to prioritize myself and honor my needs has taught me that choosing yourself in relationships starts with building an honest connection with yourself, a foundation for healing, self-discovery, and growth.
I don’t claim to be an expert in relationships, but I’ve learned to build a deeper, more honest relationship with myself. I believe that’s the most important relationship you’ll ever have and the first step in real healing. Without self-awareness, boundaries, and self-compassion, it’s much harder to build healthy connections. The way we relate to ourselves shapes every relationship we’ll ever have, and how we treat and honor ourselves affects how we show up for others.
Over time, I’ve realized something profound: relationships are mirrors. They reflect back to us the parts of ourselves that are whole, and the parts that are still wounded.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” -Carl Jung
And to me, that understanding is at the heart of choosing yourself in relationships.
Relationships as the Deepest Healers
I truly believe that relationships especially intimate ones, are some of the deepest forms of healing we can experience. Anyone you live with or grow close to will inevitably hold up a mirror to you. The traits you’ve loved or hated in others often show you something about yourself. And just as they trigger you, you will trigger them.
That’s what people do. The closer the bond, the more likely it is to activate old wounds. Just as someone can bring the best out of you, they can also bring their insecurities, their patterns, their fears, and often, they unleash them on the person closest to them. Not because they want to, but because that’s where the wound feels safest to show itself.
But here’s the key: awareness changes everything.
When you’re aware, instead of blaming the other person, you can pause, reflect, and ask: What is this showing me about myself? What needs to heal here?
This doesn’t mean accepting abuse or mistreatment. Boundaries matter. Respect matters. Choosing yourself matters. Sometimes, the most loving choice you can make is to walk away.
But in a healthy relationship, you can openly talk about these things. You can share your triggers and your wounds, and care for each other instead of becoming defensive. It’s not about being perfect, but about being willing to listen, learn, and show up for each other. That’s how triggers become opportunities for closeness and growth instead of walls between you. In the end, a real relationship is about growing together and choosing each other every day.
My Own Pattern: Self-Abandonment
In my own relationships, I’ve noticed a painful truth: I’ve abandoned myself in order to be loved, to please another person, pretty much some external validation. This pattern of self-abandonment came from unresolved childhood trauma, and I noticed I carried it into adulthood as well.
I stayed quiet when I needed to speak. I have ‘yes’ when I really wanted to say ‘no.’ And, I let boundaries slide because I was silently afraid of rejection. In the past, I acted like some things didn’t matter to me when they truly did. I hid parts of myself, thinking that would make me easier to love or just likeable. I wasn’t always aware I was doing this. It wasn’t until my healing journey and shadow work that I fully understood what I had been doing.
And here’s the thing: every time I silenced myself, I betrayed myself. And that betrayal always hurt more deeply than rejection ever could.
This is why boundaries and truth-telling are so important. Without them, you’re not really in a relationship, you’re in a performance. A love that requires you to abandon yourself isn’t love at all.
Choosing Yourself in Relationships
At the heart of it all is this: choose yourself.
Choosing yourself in relationships means being deeply honest first with yourself and then with others. It means no longer settling for half-truths or false harmony. It also means honoring your needs and boundaries while attracting partners who respect the real you.
When you are honest about what you need, what you feel, and who you are, something powerful happens. You stop attracting situations that require you to shrink. Honesty clears out the people who were never really meant for you and opens the door to the ones who are.
Yes, honesty can feel risky. It can lead to rejection. But here is the truth. Every time you choose honesty, you choose you. And the right people, the ones who truly see you, will honor that.
There are many reasons I have stayed single this long. Sometimes I was open to love, most times I was not. Sometimes I tried and nothing happened. But through it all, I have learned to be happily single. One of the biggest reasons I have been single is because I never want to lose myself again.
Choosing yourself in relationships and not losing yourself means standing in your truth even when it feels uncomfortable or risky. It is about honoring your needs, your boundaries, and your voice instead of sacrificing them for someone else’s approval. As women, we’ve often been taught by society and culture to put others first, keep the peace, and sometimes silence our own voices just to be liked or accepted. But the moment we abandon ourselves, we disconnect from our own power and clarity.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” -Carl Jung
The Foundation of Healing and Growth
Prioritizing yourself is the foundation of healing, self-love, personal growth, and healthy relationships. When you choose yourself, you naturally set boundaries, nurture self-compassion, and attract people who respect and honor the real you. Being honest about what you need and who you are opens the door to genuine connections while walking away from anything that doesn’t serve your truth protects you from resentment, stress, and emotional burnout.
Choosing yourself also allows for deep healing. It gives you the space to reflect on past patterns of self-abandonment, past trauma, confront fears, and integrate the lessons those experiences taught you. When you cultivate that inner relationship, you’re better equipped to consciously decide who to allow into your life, how to engage in relationships, and when to walk away.
In short: choosing yourself is the first and most crucial step toward healing, authentic love, and living a life aligned with your true self. And from my experience, it’s the most empowering choice you can ever make.
Choosing Who to Heal With
Of course, not every relationship is the right one to do this deep healing work with. Arguments, misunderstandings, and growth pains are inevitable but the question is, who do you want to go through that with?
Do you want to do it with someone who is aware, compassionate, and willing to grow alongside you? Or with someone who is closed off, manipulative, or unwilling to look in the mirror themselves?
Healing in relationship is inevitable, but suffering is optional. You get to choose who to walk this path with.
And when you choose someone who meets you with honesty, awareness, and love, then even the arguments, even the hard moments, become opportunities to grow closer instead of further apart.
Self-Care as the Key to Healthy Love
At the end of the day, whether you’re single or in a relationship, it always comes back to the same question: What are you doing for yourself?
If you’re stressed, unhappy, or constantly arguing, you have to look inward first.
- Are you taking time to walk, meditate, or journal?
- Are you giving yourself space to breathe and reset?
- Are you aligned with what you truly want?
Because when you take care of yourself, you bring a calmer, clearer, more grounded version of you into your relationships. And that shifts everything. You can be intentional about how you show up in relationships.
When you choose yourself first, you create the space to consciously decide what and who you allow into your life.
Final Thoughts
Relationships can be painful, beautiful, and transformative. They are not just about love and companionship. They are about growth, reflection, and healing. They reveal to us where we’ve abandoned ourselves, and they invite us to return home to who we really are.
When you prioritize choosing yourself in relationships, you can walk with clarity, set boundaries, and create authentic love that honors your truth. So choose yourself. Heal yourself. Be honest. Set your boundaries. And then, with eyes wide open, choose carefully who you want to share the journey with. You’ll know exactly who deserves to walk that path with you.
Because in the end, love isn’t about never triggering each other it’s about choosing each other, again and again, through it all.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” -Rumi
And in relationships, if you’re willing, those wounds can lead you home.
Journal Prompt
What is one moment when you abandoned yourself in a relationship — and how can you choose yourself differently moving forward?
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love this! would like to see your blogs turn into books!!